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The End is Really A Beginning

March 10, 2009

“Life is magically intertwined . . .  nothing, be it a problem, solution, emotion, or thought, is in a compartment by itself to be inspected in isolation. “

That is from this post and I realized something as I was reading it. When I started this blog some 16 months ago, I was scared and alone in  really bad emotional, financial and physical place.

I thought associating those things with my real life and my real name would get in the way of my future real life.

Yet it was the trauma of my past life getting in my way. I stopped functioning. Completely. I wanted to isolate this dysfunction in another entity. I was even ironic about it, calling the entity “Ria Ludy”.

Lately, I been feeling like a fraud (maybe because Ria Ludy is.)

I’ve been unable to allow myself to get close to anything here and the reading of Barbara Sher’s “Wishcraft” exacerbated that feeling.

I also noticed how Being Ria Ludy kept me stuck in that pain of my past and how I wasn’t going to climb out of it because that’s all Ria was and is.

She can view a brighter future in the crystal ball she’s holding but it’s not her future she sees. It’s always belongs to someone else. Her future is all pain and trauma, because that was the dysfunction she was built to house.

She did serve her purpose.

I’m willing to accept her trauma as my own. It is no longer something outside and separate from me. It is me and it is not all of me. It has informed my decisions, motivations, actions and use of my talents. It will be with me in the present and into the future.

This is my last post here. I’m closing comments. I thank all of you for stopping by.

I won’t pull any of the posts because I respect the people who have commented and/or dropped by to read them. Hopefully they lifted something or shifted something for you. They helped me understand that I am not alone.

I will still be talking about the issues I and far too many others are facing.

I no longer believe I am alone and still too many others do.

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