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Opps, The Mirage is Showing

June 11, 2008

I wanted to face some truths.   Yes, I wanted to face them, but, now, seeing the heat waves distorting the mirage I’ve been hiding in… Well,  I find myself pouring sand into my mouth and calling it fulfillment.  Phlet,thpp, thpp,phlet, yeah the granules are stuck on my tongue, in my teeth, between my lips and gums and it hurts and I am only partially awake. 

These are the options I see in front of me right now.  None.

Okay so that’s a little melodramatic, but since my inner brat is controlling my life right now, what do you expect?  Here is an example of how bratty, my brat can be…

At the ripe age sometime between 8 and 10, I received a whipping, with switches from the switch tree in my side yard.  After the offending switching (which by the way was wholly deserved) I collapsed in the middle of the hallway moaning and lamenting to my mother, “Look what you’ve done,  I can’t even walk.  You broke both my legs.”

I proceeded to pull myself four and three quarter feet down our narrow hallway, using only my arms, wailing the entire way.  I was serious, she my mother was in the living laughing her ass off.  I didn’t remove myself from the floor or miraculously re-discover the full use of my legs until I was safely ensconced in my bedroom.  I don’t recall what happened after that, but it was summer time and I am certain that I did not stay ensconsed in my room for very long.

My inner brat has always had the flair for melodrama.  It’s a wonderful hiding place.

I, the adult, kind of awake me, know there are several choices available.

The adult me says, I can work a plan designed to make the dream real and offer hope to others that it can be done even when we can’t see past the mirage.  I can work towards fulfillment and enlightenment.  (I’ll be talking more about it, just a few sentences down in this post.) 

I can let go of the dream, mourn it and move on to something else, like a soul stealing corporate job or a menial low wage job and become an alcoholic, overweight, bitter single woman with lots of cats.  Melodrama, I know.

I can stay stuck in the status quo of the mirage and keep eating sand until my insides burst and I die.

Hmmm, which to choose.

So far I’ve chosen to stay trapped in the mirage.  It has been working, I am still surviving, with the unwavering support of Mom and Dad.  It’s unwavering but contains it’s own brand of parent guilt and future promises of caring for them when they can no longer work and care for themselves and don’t have any savings or retirement (wait, that’s a whole other issue and not one I want to talk about here.) 

… and, anyway, I don’t know how much longer I can continue to live with my parents (and continue respecting them).  I’ve also managed to make a mess of my finances and I am unwilling (not unable, but unwilling to get a soul stealing corporate job or a low wage menial job, here, I’ve gone here to apply.  I Love The Loco Value Menu) .   

I became depressed thinking about it.  I became depressed not thinking about it.

So, I decided to act and not think about it so much.  What has also helped me take action is that I’ve been going through “Wish Craft” a book by Barbara Sher.  In the book she asks, what would make our lives ideal.  She then takes the reader through a process of suspending all disbelief through writing down what an ideal environment is for you and what an ideal day from morning to night would look like in your ideal environment.  She says we can have anything we want and to put it down if we think we want it. (Turns out, I’ve got the whole suspending disbelief covered and I am really good at it  For those of you scoffing, I’ve got a few questions for you later on.) She then moves into a process of assessing if that is what we really want, you know like the fairy godmother or the genie in the lamp, poof, it’s now yours, are you gagga over having it or are you running way going gahhhhh?  From there she details the process to determine what, if any, of those desires in our ideal environment and our ideal day, we already have.  I’d be willing to bet we have more than we realize.  I did.

That process is what has brought me to right here, right now, still phlet, phtfft, thppping out sand.

At this moment, I want to WANT to be alive.  I mean, I am waking up, breathing, walking, thinking, talking, responding, reacting and I am grateful for those things.  Still ultimately, I feel as if I am not using them to my fullest potential and that I am just passing through life.

So, I’ve made a mountain out of a grain of sand and I’ve got more work to do now than ever.  The longer I wait, the higher the mountain will seem.

First, I’d like to turn the tables and ask you something, since you’ve read this far. 

Are you wanting to do something that consistently awakens your passions?  Is there something that calls out to you that you procrastinate in doing?  Do you want to follow a calling, or make real, a dream you’ve had since childhood?  Do you even remember any of your childhood dreams?  Is your life how you want it to be with no or very few regrets? Are there any childhood dreams still in your mind, taking up space, creating a mirage of someday?  Are you letting fear, lack of confidence, or maybe circumstances stop you?  If you can answer with yes, maybe or even I don’t know, then seriously, grab “Wish Craft” and go through the process in this book. 

So far I have recovered this from my mismatch of childhood memories…

What I wanted most as a little girl was to marry and as a couple, run a really successful and profitable business.  Then we would  adopt two or possibly three children.  That is what I dreamt about when I was 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13.  When I turned 15 and got my first job, I met a woman named Carol.  She and her husband owned three resturants, along with the wholesale butcher shop that supplied those resturantsand other local vendors withfresh, farm raised beef, pork, chicken and fish.  I didn’t like her.  She didn’t particularly like me.  She fired me more than once.  We were both very outspoken, stubborn and knew that we knew what was right.  I am certain she didn’t know how much I admired her for what she was doing especially because it was exactly what I wanted to do “when I grew up.”

Somewhere, in that slurry of adolecense, I was also turned on to another passion.  One I’ve been too scared to follow through on because it means possibly letting that little girl dream go and stepping out of the mirage.  I realized in 8th grade, that I wanted to be an _________.

(I’m not telling just yet, since I’ve committed to finish going through “Wish Craft” to see where I end up going and what might come back to me first.)

The thing is, either I am really scared that I won’t be a good _________ or being an _________ is just part of my mirage.  I don’t know any other way to find out which one of those theories might be true besides spending the time finding out. 

Spending time, makes me nervous as well.  I mean I really don’t know how much more time I have to spend, but like this a story I just read recently about a college freshman standing in line and noticing an older gentleman behind him registering for the same classes.  The college freshman was surprised to find out the older gentleman was 71 and about to embark on his Bachelor Degree.  The older gentleman said, “I’m going to be 75 anyway, I might as well have a degree.”  I’m going to have to give up the mirage anyway, I might as well make some dream real.

The facts are hard to face.  I know staying in the mirage will require nothing of me except to continue to believe in someday, knowing that someday doesn’t really exist.  I can pretend to be okay inside the mirage because it’s easy being a believer in someday.  It is much easier than setting a date and then taking action to make the dream real.

What about you?  How much of your world is a mirage and how much is real? 

Just so no excuses get in the way, here’s the link again for “Wish Craft“.  It might be the push you’ve been waiting for to change your world, your life and your outlook. 

If that isn’t something you are ready to do then you won’t do it.  No problem.  That’s okay too. 

I’ll be writing and talking more about my journey through “Wish Craft“.  I hope you join me.  That’s the last link, up there,^ Click it.  Go on click it.  The link won’t bite.

I’ll be back to tell you more on Saturday.

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