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I’m Not Sure I Understand

May 11, 2008

Do you remember Highlights?  In the late 70’s I was for one year a member of the Highlights club.  I would get a magazine I think once every two weeks or once a month.  I would dig into it immediately.   It had games, stories, puzzles, jokes and sometimes connect the dots pictures.  I could almost always see the picture before I connected the dots.  Then I would connect the dots and sit there staring looking for other pictures that might show up, unexpected, unintended pictures.  I usually found some.

I thought life would be that way to.  I mean I thought I would see the picture I was supposed to see.  The one that was intended to show up when I connected the dots.  I never really accepted that the unexpected and unintended would be the best parts.

This post was meant to be for my mother, but I cringed today when she told me, “You know what would be a good Mother’s Day gift?  If you would wash the dishes.”

Yeah dishes that have been sitting for the last two weeks.  Dishes that each day she’s said, “I am going to wash the dishes.”  Yet hasn’t.  Dishes that have cooked meat (mostly pork products) and still contain the grease.  It sickens me, literally and figuratively.  I almost felt guilted into washing them.  I knew I wouldn’t, but the guilt and repulsion she pulled up in me made me question, everything again.

She’s been playing me all these years.  It looks like love, it sounds like love.  She makes me think it’s love because her poems say so.  She makes me think it’s mothering because that’s what mothers do, give up their lives for their children.  Mothers.

I’m not sure I understand her.  I’m not sure I will.  I’m not sure I should post this.  It is after all Mother’s Day.

I wanted to wish her a happy mother’s day, on Mother’s Day, but I knew I couldn’t.  I knew it last night, so that’s when I gave her the card and a pint of Butter Pecan Haagen Dazs.  I did it while I was happy to have her as a Mother, because today, right now, not so much and I’m not really sure I understand why.

  1. May 16, 2008 6:07 pm

    Oh. I’m sorry, R. Did you do those dishes?

  2. Ria Ludy permalink*
    May 17, 2008 11:15 am

    No and I will. I need cleansing as much as the kitchen.

  3. June 18, 2008 10:00 pm

    Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation 🙂 Anyway … nice blog to visit.

    cheers, Shoetree.

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