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Light and Darkness Seperated

May 7, 2008

I hesitated, lost the moment, felt awkward and then that was it, it was over.

I felt her, saw her recoil.

At first blush, I thought she recoiled because I didn’t know who she was.  She was right.  I didn’t know who I was talking to.  I couldn’t place her face, her voice, her movements, the mole at the corner of her mouth, nothing about her seemed familiar.

She told me her name and suddenly, the image of an idealized child snapped into my mind.  I repeated her name with wonder and peered at the adult standing before me.  My first instinct was to hug her.

I was, am about 10 years older than she I believe.  She is an adult now and reconciling the two images took longer than a few split seconds and that is why I hesitated.  I tried to put that idealized child of her onto the  adult standing before me.  I would have been hugging the idealized child.  I think I would have been hugging her from my Adult, no definitely from my Parent – yeah and it was a no go. (Adult and Parent references are from the book Games People Play by Eric Berne Ph.D.) It was good that the hug was a no go because I think I might have violated something that isn’t and hasn’t ever been there between the two of us – namely contact of a physical variety.

My mother of course knew who she was immediately.  One would think, since I’ve been in this town again for more than three years, that I would run into people regularly from my childhood.  One would think.

Also, I am good, very good at over thinking the situation, any situation given the chance.  The one thing I am certain about was her desire to not be hugged by me.

It is true I didn’t know who she was.  I didn’t recognize her and I felt chagrin at not recognizing her.  She felt what by me not recognizing her?  I don’t know.  I don’t know that she would tell me.  We were never really friends.  Her family, knew my family and we all spent time together because our parents were best of friends.  She is the oldest of the three younger sisters mentioned before.  She has her own history of abuse, neglect and abandonment.  She has two children and is a single mother.  She might have been rejecting the hug because she doesn’t want reminders of her demons.

Does it matter?  Maybe.

Will I pursue a deeper relationship?  No.

Is there something there for me to acknowledge? Yes.

I am not the center of anyone’s universe, including my own.  Never was, never will be, yet some deep, dank, dark, decieved place in me still believes I should be, still thinks and acts as if I am the center, the sun.  Is it because that part of me hasn’t felt or seen or experienced the sun in so long, if ever, that it has come to believe because of that lack of access to the power of the sun, that it must BE the sun?

You know the existential, metaphysical (are those the right words?) relationship fish have with water.  Yeah that.

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