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Get Your Truth Here – Hump Day Hmm

April 23, 2008

“Tsk, tsk, tsk.” Ria sucked her teeth, shook her head and stared numbly at the blank piece of paper in front of her. Julie wanted her to “talk about truth, honesty and lying—yourself, your kids, from a personal or parenting point of view, how you deal with it and how important it is, as well as loopholes or any other aspect you want to cover” for the Hump Day Hmm.

Oh boy, Ria realized, she was in some serious shit. She’d been lying to herself for many, many months, years, possibly even lifetimes.

There were so many lies that she still didn’t want to see, didn’t want to confront, even though everything in her life was forcing her to finally face forward and stare them down. Her eyes were closed and her ears were stopped up. She sure as hell wasn’t going to see any truth or hear any truth and thus by extension, she would never be able to speak any truth.

See, she can’t even speak in first person right now but at least the page isn’t blank anymore. That helps. Then she felt her fingers moving on the keyboard in front of her, her pinky was on Ctrl, with her ring finger simultaneously hitting A. She watched her thoughts, highlighted in mesmerizing blue. Her pinky hit Ctrl again and her ring finger hovered over X. Something stopped her. She couldn’t bring herself to press the keys in unison.

It’s hard to get rid of something when you don’t know what that something is. Ria was trying to get rid of a subjective pathway to her relative truth. She knew it was subjective, already devastating to one career, possibly her life but she couldn’t hit those keys. Her need to know outweighed the desire not to know. She felt the tiny bugs crawling on her face and in her ears but didn’t lift her hands from the keyboard, because then all would be lost, especially the little bit of courage she had just found.

Her thoughts were already betraying her, uncovering her.

She was having disturbing conversations with her self and odd dreams, since a week ago, to the day.

First Mind, “It’s too big.”
Second Mind, “What?” (Not quickly understanding what “it” being “too big” could have to do with anything).
First Mind again: “It’s Too Big.”

It’s too big, the chant started and she was happy.

It’s too TOO big. It’s too big. It’s too big. She was dancing a happy dance in her mind because It’s. Too. Big. She’s off the hook. It’s too big. She doesn’t have to think about it anymore. She doesn’t have to face it. She doesn’t have to do it.

That song and dance lasted for about 30 seconds until the conversation turned and one mind started in on the other.

Her Second Mind screamed out, “You’re supposed to dream big.”
“Yeah,” sighed the First Mind, “I know, but if it’s too big then YOU have to dream smaller.”
Second Mind blurted, “Well, I don’t want to dream smaller.” Although she didn’t say it aloud, dreaming smaller meant Second Mind had to act and dammit, that irked her.

First Mind, always optimistic and knowing Second Mind well enough, pushed on. “Yeah, it was too big, so what else can you do but dream smaller?”

Second Mind not wanting any of it, hastily dismissed the thoughts with, “I don’t know.” What she really wanted to say was I don’t care, but knows that she can’t say it, not aloud. She shrugged off the idea of not caring and started stalking away.

“Listen to me!” First Mind shouted, agitated by Second Mind’s attempted departure.

Second Mind turned, spitting daggers, aimed for the heart, “What? What else are you gonna tell me? All of our dreams will come true when I dream smaller. Well I. Don’t. Want. To.Do. That.”

“Yes, I said that.” First Mind furiously sliced through her agitation. “Yes, I think you need to dream smaller, because”…She hesitated, shuffled her words, “well…”

Before First Mind finished the thought, Second Mind released another dagger. “Spit it out. I already know what you are going to say. You think it’s my fault that we are where we are. You think I planned this all along.”

Shocked, First Mind quietly continued, “…dream smaller, so it won’t hurt as much when none of it happens…”

They both fell silent, both believing that the other was responsible for the situation. Second Mind finally stammered, “See, that’s why…you don’t want…you always do that.” Her voice trailed off.

“Do what? Tell you to get real, face facts, dream smaller so maybe you can feel good for a change about accomplishing something?” First Mind knows she is waffling. It’s not about Second Mind at all. It’s about her own feelings of accomplishment or lack thereof.

Second Mind knows it too. “That’s not what you mean and you know it.” she retorts.

First Mind, startled by the realization, seeing the essence of the issue. “Yes, it is,” she says. She knows she has to speak the rest of the words before her courage falters, “I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed by your stupid big dreams that never go anywhere, except out of your mouth. You are always saying what you are going to do…and I want to DO something. So I want you to dream smaller because from experience, I know you won’t do it if it’s too big.” First Mind now finished, realizes she’s been pounding her fist into her hand, impassioned by the idea of DOING.

Second Mind tauntingly asked, “So why do you think I’ll do it if I dream smaller?”

First Mind figuring she’d come this far. “Well, maybe it won’t frighten me so much and I can help you do it.”

Second Mind rolling her eyes, “You,” she smirked, “think, maybe, you could help me?”

First Mind, quickly losing the impassioned feeling from before, “Yeah, uhm, sure.” She was even less sure of herself as she whispered, “I just don’t like being scared and I really don’t like being disappointed.”

Second Mind sneered as she asked, “So what kind of smaller dream can we have so we can get the dream that you believe and think is too big?”

“We can move out.” First Mind said it quickly. This wasn’t the first time First Mind had this thought.

“Move out?” Second Mind sputtered, “but”, fear and mistrust bubbled over into her voice, “where will we go? How can we move out? Second Mind was cringing and her ears were stopped up with the sound of her heartbeat. “We don’t have any money and no job and how would we eat? What about the dogs?” No, thought Second Mind, this couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t fair. I am not the afraid one. I am the strong one. First Mind admitted being the scared one.

First Mind continued, “What you were trying to do is too big – seriously, what reason does a company have to pay you for what you had in mind to do? You can’t prove you can do it. You don’t even really believe you can. That’s why you don’t do anything. It wasn’t me. It never really was, well, okay, sort of it was but only because I thought it was too big.” First Mind knows that she’s not really stopping anyone. She knows that Second Mind is just as scared as she is, but Second Mind won’t admit it. First Mind only just started admitting it to herself. She knows that if she can get both their minds together, then it will be easier. First Mind went on, “Yeah, move out. You know the mom has been saying that to anyone who will listen, that it’s time for you to move out. It’s not that she doesn’t love you but she thinks it’s time for you to go. She doesn’t know what’s holding you back, keeping you here. She doesn’t know even though you’ve hinted at it. It’s time to leave Mommy and Daddy.”

“So move out, huh?” Second Mind contemplates the enormity of the goal, but despite all parts of her still screaming no, she’s intrigued. She remembers what it was like before…”Move out” silently mouthing the two words, over and over, feeling the consonants as her lips cross over her teeth. It feels good to use the words. She sucks her teeth and turns her thoughts back to First Mind.

First Mind hasn’t stopped yammering yet, “Yeah, move out. Rent a place, move cross country, or across the street – open your heart and stay focused on the possibility of a move, but start now preparing to move out of where you live. Stop living with your mommy and daddy. You know your mom even says she didn’t think you really would come back home, to live here and she certainly didn’t expect you to stay this long.”

Second Mind nodded her head in agreement. She didn’t know why she felt compelled to come back here. She piped in, “They are not bad people. I mean they did what they could for us, what they thought was right and they were and are who they’ve always been. Maybe with dreams of their own, that haven’t gone away. Yeah, they ignored a lot.” Second Mind felt herself mentally drifting into territory she couldn’t, didn’t want to handle and jerked herself back. “But they are no longer responsible for us. They don’t owe us anything. Don’t forget First Mind, you benefited as much as I did.”

First Mind, fearful of the same place Second Mind almost drifted into, responded, “Yeah, yeah, but it’s time to move out.” She had more to say, but Third Mind interrupted. This was the first time Third Mind had spoken. He had never been suspected of being by First or Second Mind, or maybe he had. Who knew.

Third Mind stated bluntly, “They still owe me.”

So there Ria was, swaddled in her mind, looking for the truth of her issue, while still not wanting to see it, hear it or speak it. She wondered why for the last week it had been hard to breath and she blamed it on pollen. Only that was a lie. Just like her control had been a lie. Her fingers hit Ctrl+S and then feeling a little better, she walked away from the computer.

It still wasn’t clear what the truth was but at least someone could go back and examine it. Maybe even Ria.

  1. April 23, 2008 4:31 pm

    That was well done.

  2. April 23, 2008 8:07 pm

    Oh no – it made me face a truth of my own and now my minds are talking. Eeek!

    Great take.

  3. April 24, 2008 7:43 am

    I love your approach…the inside rationalization of the mind, internal conversation,a s we seek our own truths. Bravo!

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