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When the Gravitron stops…

March 4, 2008

Gravitron Riders - Gravitron aka Starship 2000I wake up and the world seems further away.  I feel shorter.  Someone has moved my chair and my keys and my thoughts.

I am still here though.

I didn’t realize accept that these episodes were dissociative states.  I knew it intellectually, this was possible and I accepted it emotionally, yesterday.

There was a moment on the phone yesterday, during an international call, lasting 16:47 in which I cried, without the other parties awareness.  Real tears, streaming down my face as I answered questions about this life and this business I am supposed to be running. Yeah business. Which one of me talked about this business?  The party on the other end of the phone even said that he knew someone else that was just starting a concern very much like the one I proposed at the seminar and then get this, offered to put me in touch with that someone.  I talked this business idea up at the “The Seminar where S*xual Funtasy” took place last October 2007.  I obviously made a good case for it.

I don’t even remember what business idea I proposed there.  Who was that?  It wasn’t Ria.

How could I say, excuse me, s*xual funtasy man, what exactly did I propose at this seminar?  Could you spell it out for me, instead of telling me the idea was well thought out, could you tell me, please, the actual idea?  I mean really, I don’t want to be caught off guard talking to someone  you want to introduce me to about a business idea I don’t recall, because it wasn’t really ME talking about it, you know.

How would you react?  I reacted with tears.

I really hope he couldn’t tell, but so what if he could.  I am tearing up even now.  When the Gravitron stops. Actually could someone please tell the controller to stop the ride.  I don’t feel so good.  I am trying to be mindful.  My mind is full, so full parts of my head hurt trying to maintain the equilibrium.

Be mindful.

He asks me during this conversation about a business idea that I don’t recall, “What do you need?”

I can only respond with silence because my voice will crack if I speak since I am choking back tears, silently crying and finally, in a barely controlled voice I say one word, “Silence”.

“How will silence help?” he queries.

“I don’t know”, I respond, along with more salty tears and another voice screaming in my head, It will help me learn what my own voice sounds like.

Why do you tell this to a person you have been obsessing over since October 2007?

I berate myself after, I never should have picked up the phone.  Only, I don’t regret picking it up.

Instead you tell the 5 readers who come by your blog and hope they understand.  It’s a rant.  A mad chant. A ceaselessly monotonous monologue, recited while stuck on a maniacal freakin’ Gravitron, for which there seems to be no stop button.

The thing is, the Gravitron does stop and because I am now doing my best to be mindful of the ride, the ups and downs, the side splitters, the careening and centrifugal force of my emotions along with everything else in the basement of Maslows’ heirarchy of needs (which I am not really doing all that well with at the moment yet), I am going with the flow, err, force? which is my intent at this moment in time, now.

So when the Gravitron stops, I will straighten up and some part of me, just might recall this business idea and pursue it.  It has obviously been thought about or at least the elevator speech has been well written because, my fantasy man thought it sounded good, whatever it was and he was willing to put me in touch with someone else, although he did say towards the end of the conversation, that this person was no longer responding with the same frequency to his emails, since they had just started a new venture.

Anyway, the Gravitron, which is now marketed as Starship 2000, has got to stop first.

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2 Comments
  1. March 5, 2008 7:09 am

    This is well written, R….I am confused though. What exactly has happened here? This piece reflects your dissociation well ; ) Can you make the events plain? And bigger question–who is helping you through all of this?

  2. Ria Ludy permalink*
    March 5, 2008 10:30 am

    Angela,

    What happened above, started with the recall of an incident from when I was six years old. That story is at https://rialudy.wordpress.com/2007/10/30/a-thursday-by-the-pool/

    I recalled more details as the days passed and that is when I started practicing mindfulness and allowing the emotions to go where they would.

    I know that I’ve twice received a compliment about my ears from a boy/man with a British accent and a mark under the enamel of one of his front teeth. Once when I was six, again at an internet marketing conference in October 2007.

    It makes perfect sense that I talked about a business idea at this conference. It made less sense that I wouldn’t remember an idea, I clearly outlined. Especially since I remember the idea he talked about before proffering the random ear compliment. He talked about approaching local businesses helping them with their online marketing/website marketing. I remember his idea. I am even thinking currently of pursuing his idea. That is clear in my memory because when he gave me his business card, he wrote down a website he had been using to flesh out his plan and suggested that I check it out.

    I became obsessed with him after the seminar and especially after recalling the memory. That Sunday, I also had a very prolonged s*xual funtasy about him, while sitting in the conference room, listening to the remaining speakers after lunch. Lunch was when I received and graciously accepted the compliment, as any southern woman with breeding would do. If you don’t know, it means make eye contact with a woman and if it’s a man make eye contact and some non threatening physical contact (without looking awkward), say thank you in your most charming southern accent being sincere all while smiling. Especially if you can’t stand the person who just gave you the compliment. Sorry, etiquette aside…

    At the end of the conference, those attendees with flights/drives home the next day, all had dinner together. After that dinner, I received a verbal request from him to stay in touch, about business, and a double cheek kiss before we went our separate ways.

    I finally plucked up the courage to call, 4 months later. Of course I wanted confirmation that the two ear compliments and the boy/man were connected, related, the same person.

    I spent 4 months hoping, praying, fantasizing about all of it.

    Instead he tells me about this business idea, which helps cement the dissociation for me. That’s what I needed, although I had no conscious idea of that need at the time.

    I don’t know that I made the events any more plain.

    Uhm, I didn’t need? outside help. I obviously don’t know the extent but had determined that mindfulness would be helpful in guiding me. Yeah, which mind? So I am actively seeking, now. I really wasn’t though, before Monday and that phone call.

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