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Getting Sorted

February 12, 2008

As I type this from the public library, I feel like I’ve just been sitting on my ass, waiting for something anything to happen.

I am well aware that nothing beneficial really happens, just sitting on my ass, waiting, hoping and being inactive.  I’ve been struggling with depression and despondency and dissociative states for sometime now.  That’s not really an excuse because I’ve maintained various levels of functionality, just fine, until recently.

I’ve also been struggling with money and ethical ways to earn money that don’t require me to work a 9 to 5 or JOB ever again.

What do I have against  a JOB you ask?

I don’t think they are bad.  I think if you find one that fits with your purpose and fulfills your BIG reason why, then you are lucky and you should enjoy it and thrive in it.  If you are only working a JOB to put food on the table (and your mouth is the only one that needs feeding) and you hate getting up, don’t have a purpose, don’t know your BIG REASON why, then you are killing a part of yourself every. single. day.

That is my truth.  I was committing a slow torturous suicide.  I couldn’t, wouldn’t look at it.  I thought I was happy.  I was doing something, filling in the negative space with positively everything.  I couldn’t see the trees or the forest, but I could smell pitch burning.  I was choking.  I. could. not. breathe.

I had been selfless for so long, not really able to express what I wanted.  I was clueless as to what my BIG REASON why might be. 

I didn’t find myself sacrificing for the smiling faces of my angelic children, pleading for my time or for food or clothes or shelter.  I don’t have any children.

I didn’t find myself doting on a significant other, discussing politics, the latest Hollywood scandal, the newest film, or play or restaurant in town.  I wasn’t feverishly discussing anything, with anyone.  I didn’t have a significant other.

I was only responsible for me and two dogs.  I could be selfish if I wanted to be and boy did I need to be.  My self-sacrifice wasn’t helping anyone and was hurting me the most.  I was lost in that smoke and I almost didn’t make it out.

I did though and I learned something about me, about what I want, about what I don’t want and about distinguishing symptoms of the Will to Fail and those of the Will to Succeed.

I know that I am a collaborator, concentrator and problem solver.  I am an intense listener. I am a people pleasure within limits.  I want others to be happy and that starts with my own ability to be happy.  I am good at organizing and coordinating. I enjoy doing those things.  I am good at those things.  I like to look for new, more efficient ways of doing a task.  I like to create duplicatable systems using technology.  I like looking for beneficial patterns.  I like the abstract.

I am a thinker and an implementer.  I am good “by the seat of my pants”, but that’s not how I want to always work.

It was realizing these things, which made me realize my previous jobs wanted me to just swing the sledgehammer and hit the mark.  I love demolition but I crave building and the two go hand in hand.

I will never be good with mundane, repetitive tasks.  I will never be good, for very long, sitting behind a desk, in a cubicle.

That took a long time to filter through, first that it was okay for me to be selfish, not for the sake of being selfish but to understand and go after what I want to do in life.  Financially it may not have been the best way for me to learn my skill set and more about who I am, what I love or what my dreams are.  Second, it is the very best way for me to see that I really have the determination to achieve those dreams.

Yes, I’ve made it harder on myself.  It’s not ALL my fault.  I didn’t start off with the intent to dislike myself.  I take responsibility for continuing to do so after I recognized but chose not the change that habit.  I take responsibility for creating my bad attitude and allowed others to disrespect me, through my lack of self respect.

I’ve progressed quickly in jobs, from tutor, to summer program coordinator, from receptionist to performing on-site commissioning inspections.  That progression seems out of sorts.  It bothered me so much that after the first 6 to 9 months I would find myself getting written warnings.  I would be told I wasn’t living up to my potential.  I would be late, much too frequently.  The jobs wouldn’t fire me, I would fire myself. I didn’t get it.

After a long and hard self questioning and self examination, I realized, I didn’t think I deserved it, any of it.  One singular event confirmed that truth.  If the first grade teacher, who told my parents, I was on a fourth grade reading and comprehension level couldn’t move me ahead one single grade to a more challenging curriculum, where I was more than capable of excelling, what right did I have moving me into a more challenging position?

I’ve been playing small.  I’ve been playing under the radar.  I’ve been shirking from my capabilities.

It’s time to stop, especially now that I have to type this from the public library because I don’t have phone service, which means no internet service either.

I’ve waited long enough.

What are you sitting on your ass not doing and is it getting you anywhere good?


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