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Single – Never Been Married

November 24, 2007

No mother I don’t have a boyfriend. No granna, I am not lesbian. No, I don’t want you to fix me up with your best friends twice divorced son.

Sometimes I really hate being alone, other times I love it, especially when I am being silly or in an awkward position like yesterday when I tried to jump across the creek and instead landed in it.

Then on days like Thursday which was Thanksgiving here in the states, I went to a friends house for dinner. So my bf and her new husband and her brother and his new fiance and their mother and stepfather are all there being happy couples and I

am

there

with

my

mom.

I went with my mom – who is by the by married (I don’t know about the happy part).

I fully realized something, I want to be in a relationship. I mean a serious, loving, full of conversation and laughter, awkward moments and stolen glances and the whole ball of yarn. I want all that. I want it so badly sometimes it hurts. I also miss s*x. Oh how do I miss it. Sometimes We Just HAVE to.. really says it all. I like s*x. I just won’t have it outside of a committed relationship.

Yet here’s the conundrum, with thoughts like…

“You don’t want me. You want that shadow of me that glides across the wall when the sun hits the window panes at just the right angle. That’s when I look the best and that’s what you want. That me is only available for a 20 or 30 minute interval during sunny days and daylights savings time after which I quickly slide into being all the other mini me’s that are in my head, the ones you don’t want. “

It’s pretty unlikely that a meaningful relationship can be built because I would be there to fuck it up. Damn catch 22’s. They really piss me off. Yet I still want a relationship. I don’t want to be the single woman with her mom on Christmas. I have never actually been with a man on New Years to give or get a kiss as the clock struck midnight.

My actions are not yet congruent with my thoughts. Eventually, this time next year I will be committed to something, to someone, instead of being committed to specifically breaking myself apart so I can find the essence of me. Maybe this time next year I will be able to look a black man in the eye and speak boldly, clearly to him with respect instead of contempt, loathing, shame and even fear. And you gotta understand that in my circle of family and friends, NOT dating a black man brings fake smiles and not so subtle whispers. Although, when I think about dating the wrong black man it brings the same thing. Upon further reflection my situation now brings the same things so…

I still have some work to do on not caring what others, specifically my family, think of me. I also understand that my feelings are just that, feelings and they are in fact not the best indicator of my worthiness, they are just feelings of being unworthy. I am still working on that too. So, I get it. I don’t have very much to offer right now in terms of a relationship. That doesn’t stop me from wanting to be in one. I hope I am wise enough to recognize the difference of wanting and needing.

I know that a relationship can’t be cultivated and sustained when all I can offer is 20 to 30 minutes stretches once a day of civility and conversation and love and laughter and stolen glances and good s*x without baggage and crying and feelings of contempt for myself and against him. Honestly if I look back over the course of my journals this is clearly, a repeating pattern. Yet somehow reaching this part of my life I thought I would have had some Thanksgivings, some Christmases, some New Year’s celebrations with one or several boyfriends and or lovers. I’ve had one.

Yeah, it also doesn’t help that I am picky. I mean, I want a man with a good personality, reasonable good looks, a good mind (if he can’t hold up his end of the debate, what’s the point), no children, loves animals, can cook (ok so if he can’t cook, can he afford a cook?), loves to travel, loves to read…

The list could continue…

…but here I am starting to be resigned to being Single – Never Been Married, again this year.

Edit: I’ve just had a thought about how I might use my 30 minute window of charming southern belle moments…I’ll post an update once I know more.

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2 Comments
  1. November 25, 2007 6:49 am

    Hmm, I’m resigned to being “Single – Never Been Married” for the rest of my life. Still, interested to hear your sudden thought… 🙂

  2. rialudy permalink*
    November 25, 2007 10:54 am

    cerebralmum – Speed Dating! I am checking out all the sites online and will do a proper update soon. I did find one speed dating event locally but it’s not until December 21st.

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