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Optimization of Being

November 8, 2007

So I am sitting here being in the now, being with the brokenness of my checking account and realizing that my checking account isn’t what makes me ME.

Sure it IS how the world judges my worthiness and my ability in fulfilling their needs with what they believe they need. IE – Providing a valuable service that they need or believe they want and that they willingly exchange money for that valuable service.

I still wonder why I am broke.

If I thought about the ‘work’ or ‘job’ model and what I was doing, I didn’t feel my services were valuable and if I didn’t believe it and they were starting to also not believe it, why would I ask them to keep giving me money?

Sure the money does this number on the ego and in a society based on material wealth, it creates a dichotomy between having and not having, only not really, it is my mind that creates this dichotomy because I always AM right here, right now and now and even now.

I AM each time in the now but different than the previous now which we call then and still being stuck in that then instead of being here in this now or this one or this one.

So once my mind starts on that trip about not having and comparing it to a then when I did have, it becomes a confused and stuck in the then, expecting this now to be like the then was and lamenting because I no longer have the experience of the now because I am not being in the now, I am being in the then…

Ok so now this quote seems more profound, “To move into abundance you can’t keep focusing on the scarcity, and this yearning you have for what is not in your experience right now guarantees only one thing; that you are going to get even less.”

So once my mind starts tripping about not having and comparing it to a then when I did have, it becomes confused and stuck in the not having so I no longer have the experience of the having and yearn to get that experience back instead of being with the experience of not having which is where I am right now and now and now, until I am in another experience of having.

Imagine all that happening from reading a book and quietly asking my mind a question – questioning a quote I have on my wall.

I love this. I am confused by this, but I love it none the less.

Also, I have determined that I am dominantly a kinesthetic learner, which means I have to do it, to learn it.  I must actively learn.  I must have the physical experience to learn.

Seems like a good time to fast, especially since there is no food in the fridge that I will eat and my checking account is broken and in disarray. [Major Edit] No fasting for me, my aunt sent Boca Chikin Patties home with my mom.  Yay!  Plus this really requires some planning, mentally anyway, maybe.  I don’t know.  I am ok with not knowing about how to fast.  That gets added to the list of what I want to know more about.

Who knows how long this experience of the now in which I find myself will last.  I am learning faith and trusting again and also learning that gaining a grip on the now is doable.

I’ll check later,  in a day or so.

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