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October 25, 2007

Turns out my fantasy man may have been in my past as a child. I don’t remember it clearly, but I do recall a pool, a family, ears, a birthmark and a nosebleed. Synapses are starting to re-fire in my memory banks. I still feel lost without my childhood. I recall the events that happened over and over again. Like I remember C*** f!ngering me between my twin beads, while his two older sisters and three younger sisters were playing. That pretty much happened every other Sunday at my house. Afterwards we had dinner, the entire family, his and mine. Did they never really know what was going on? Did no one have a clue? Hell he was so slick at it, my bedroom door was never even closed during the entire time. I still like that feeling of him, just being there. It never did happen at his house though. Not too long after that I started having consensual sex with him and the preachers son. I think I was 12.

My therapist (a voice in my head by the way) tells me that I should be more descriptive. Always trying to get me to write her books for her. I won’t do it. I am tired of crying this week. Wasn’t the seminar fantasy enough? How does finding him and losing him again in the same weekend make me stronger? Is it meant to prove something?

Does spilling all this make me crazy or crazier? What is really real? This blog has a stream of consciousness flow and it’s not going to change anytime soon. I just wonder why it took me so long to do this. Therapy might actually be beneficial only I don’t want some person sitting there judging me. That’s what they do, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists. Many say they don’t but they do. How do I know? Paranoia. I saw a woman once Katz I believe it was during the most disheartening breakup I had ever experienced and she was able to point out to me that I was bright and had good insight.

Yeah, so why the f*** do I want to be told that? It’s the relating to people that causes the problem, relating intimately anyway. I can have the most intellectual conversation with you until my hormones kick in and say take him or her for that matter. Then I just have to leave them alone. Can’t be around them any longer, can’t talk, concentrate or whatever. So how do you deal with that? What short of insight is there for that?

Rambling on here. I know and it’s not good because somewhere will be a record of me rambling. Remembering, sharing. How will my future mate feel about knowing that I might have talked about him on a blog? How will he react knowing that he triggered this remembering. How will the men that assaulted me feel? Why should I care how they feel?

I finally counted one night, I wrote down every name of every man I had ever been with, including my m*lesters.

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  1. Light and Darkness Seperated « Personal Transmutation

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